The feeling of being at peace, not feeling angry nor too happy is a feeling that’s strange to me. I was always rather feeling sad, angry, or happy by seeking validation from someone else.
What’s funny is that I didn’t realize that one thing that will set me free is something, or someone, that I’ve been holding on to to validate the feelings, the behaviors that I’ve been repeating in the past couple years. I am not pinning the blame into someone else, I own what I did, good or bad, because it was my decision after all. But one thing I realize that I’ve been holding into this too long to realize how toxic it can be for me.
It all starts with a confession, I confessed to someone that I have a feelings for him; knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way, as I’m not stupid nor blind, I can see all the hints. He rejected me, obviously, but rather feeling sad, I feel liberated. I finally can see clearly now, I finally able to accept the fact that it is my behavior that’s been dragging me through the mud this whole time.
It is strange, because I never felt this way before. Usually, I would be back on my depression fiasco when something’s went wrong in my love life. But it was an eye opener moment. This decision brings back my willingness to live, my willingness to reach my dream that felt so far before. It gave me a ray of sunshine, it made me realize that I deserve so much more than this, I deserve everything that I’ve been dreaming of.
I might lose a friend, and I might be sad right now because I lose a really good friend and someone whom I always deem as a really precious part of me, but that’s okay; I will always care for him and cherish his happiness, whether he’s in my life or not. I want him to be happy, as much as I want to be happy with or without his presence in my life. Nevertheless, I realize, that when something, or someone, is meant to be in your life, they will always stay no matter what. And if someone is truly care and appreciate your presence, they will show it and will always try their best to communicate and be honest with you.
I did my part, and even if it was bitter like an angostura, I didn’t regret it. Because at least, today I can breathe a little bit easier, live a little bit happier.
